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 Religious Jokes 
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Unread post Religious Jokes
Joke 1:
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."



Joke 2:
Two guys lost in the Sahara desert, one is David and the other is Michael.. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirates with a mosque in the middle..

David said to Michael: “look, let’s pretend we’re Muslim, otherwise we’ll not get any food or drink. I’m going to call myself “Mohammed”. Michael refused to change his name, he said: “My name is Michael,and I won’t pretend to be other than but what I am…Michael”..

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names, David said: “my name is Mohammed” Michael said: “my name is Michael” The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said:

“Please bring some food and water for Michael only”

Then he turned to the other and said: “Marhaba Mohammed, Ramadan Kareem”…!!

No offensive jokes


Wed Feb 01, 2012 8:59 pm
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
As-salamu alaikum,


You made me smile, but we have to read this first:

http://www.islamcan.com/cgi-bin/increas ... 0468.shtml

" Rules of Joking in Islam"

Some people joke too much and it becomes a habit for them. This is the opposite of the serious nature which is the characteristic of the believers. Joking is a break, a rest from ongoing seriousness and striving; it is a little relaxation for the soul. ‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-‘Azeez (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “Fear joking, for it is folly and generates grudges.”

Imaam al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “The kind of joking which is forbidden is that which is excessive and persistent, for it leads to too much laughter and hardening of the heart, it distracts from remembrance of Allaah, and it often leads to hurt feelings, generates hatred and causes people to lose respect and dignity. But whoever is safe from such dangers, then that which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do is permissible for him.”

Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqaas said: “Set a limit to your jokes, for going to extremes makes you lose respect and incites the foolish against you.”

The amount of joking should be like the amount of salt in one’s food.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do not laugh too much, for laughing too much deadens the heart.” (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7312)

‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “Whoever laughs too much or jokes too much loses respect, and whoever persists in doing something will be known for it.”

So beware of joking, for it “causes a person to lose face after he was thought of as respectable, and it brings him humiliation after esteem.”

A man said to Sufyaan ibn ‘Uyaynah (may Allaah be pleased with him), “Joking is not right, it is to be denounced.” He replied, “Rather it is Sunnah, but only for those who know how to do it and do it at the appropriate time.”

Nowadays, although the ummah needs to increase the love between its individual members and to relieve itself of boredom, it has gone too far with regard to relaxation, laughter and jokes. This has become a habit which fills their gatherings and wastes their time, so their lives are wasted and their newspapers are filled with jokes and trivia.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If you knew what I know, you would laugh little and weep much.” In Fath al-Baari it says: “What is meant by knowledge here has to do with the might of Allaah and His vengeance upon those who disobey Him, and the terrors that occur at death, in the grave and on the Day of Resurrection).

Muslim men and women have to be inclined to choose righteous and serious friends in their lives, who will help them to make good use of their time and strive for the sake of Allaah with seriousness and steadfastness, good and righteous people whose example they can follow. Bilaal ibn Sa’d said: “I saw them [the Sahaabah] jokingly pretending to fight over some goods, and laughing with one another, but when night came they were like monks.”

Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) was asked, “Did the Companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) laugh?” He said, “Yes, and the faith in their hearts was like mountains.”

So you have to follow the example of such people, who were knights by day and monks (i.e., devoted worshippers) by night.

May Allaah keep us, you and our parents safe on the Day of the Greatest Terror, those to whom the call will go out on that great Day:

“Enter Paradise, no fear shall be on you, nor shall you grieve”

[al-A’raaf 7:49 – interpretation of the meaning]

:wsalaam:

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Thu Feb 02, 2012 5:46 am
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
they are funny hehe


Thu Feb 02, 2012 5:55 am
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
Three molvis sitting on a park bench. A nice looking girl walks by...

1st molvi says "masha-Alaah"

2nd molvi says "alhamdulillah"

3rd molvi says "insha-Allah"...

... bleh

Scimi


Thu Feb 02, 2012 6:02 pm
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
mike tyson and don king got together one day and decided to get a blessing from the pope. so they chartered a flight to italy and to the vatican and arrived to find the a long line stretching as far as the eye could see and were told that it would take about a week and a half of standing in line. so they consulted one another what the quikest way to recieve a blessing would be. as they were talking it over they noticed a man that seemed very powerful and very rich bypass the whole line of people waiting to recive his blessing.
so mike tyson says " ima knock that fool out! "
and don king replies " no. i will go and bribe the gaurds to let me pass and we will both do the same as the man we had just seen bypass the line. "
mike tyson shrugged " suit yourself. im going to make myself somthing to eat. "
so don king departed and went to bribe the gaurds while mike tyson gathered rocks to throw at the pigeons. after enough trys he caught one pigeon and gathered some trash from the people waiting to be blessed and made a fire and started plucking the feathers. as he was cooking the bird he noticed don king received his blessing and was angry at the trickery that he had used. when don king got back
he said " i cant belive he blessed you! it is so unfair! "
and don king replied " he didnt bless me he was just talking with his hands."
in disbelief mike tyson yelled " HE MADE THE SIGN OF THE CROSS !!! "
don king stuttered in fear " his exact words were: you. take your friend down there with the fire. tell him to stop throwing rocks at my birds. go to the gift shop and get a penny souvenir. and get the hell out. "


Thu Feb 02, 2012 7:00 pm
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
Truth wrote:
Joke 2:
Two guys lost in the Sahara desert, one is David and the other is Michael.. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirates with a mosque in the middle..

David said to Michael: “look, let’s pretend we’re Muslim, otherwise we’ll not get any food or drink. I’m going to call myself “Mohammed”. Michael refused to change his name, he said: “My name is Michael,and I won’t pretend to be other than but what I am…Michael”..

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names, David said: “my name is Mohammed” Michael said: “my name is Michael” The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said:

“Please bring some food and water for Michael only”

Then he turned to the other and said: “Marhaba Mohammed, Ramadan Kareem”…!!


:clap: :lol: :lol: :lol: hahahahahhahaha

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"...whereas the life of the world is but matter of illusion "

Noble Quran 57:2


Sat Feb 04, 2012 12:55 pm
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
Once there was a group of molvis going somewhere together. they decided whoever saw a women will say "astagfirullah".
after sometime a molvi said "astagfirullah"
remaining molvis instinctively cried "where? where? where?" :D

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Sat Feb 04, 2012 1:58 pm
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
After the jummah kutbah, the imam announced that he have a good news and a bad news. "The good news is , we have enough money to pay for our building project but the bad news is that its still out there in your pockets." :p

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For, Believers are those who, when Allah is mentioned, feel a tremor in their hearts, and when they hear His signs rehearsed, find their faith strengthened, and put (all) their trust in their Lord;

Noble Quran 8:2


"...whereas the life of the world is but matter of illusion "

Noble Quran 57:2


Sun Feb 05, 2012 6:18 am
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
Scimitar wrote:
Three molvis sitting on a park bench. A nice looking girl walks by...

1st molvi says "masha-Alaah"

2nd molvi says "alhamdulillah"

3rd molvi says "insha-Allah"...

... bleh

Scimi


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Sun Feb 05, 2012 10:15 am
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
Once, the people of the city invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a speech. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he found the audience was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "NO", so he announced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left. The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the people replied "YES" So Mullah Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time" and he left. Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "YES" while the other half replied "NO". So Mullah Nasruddin said "The half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the other half" and he left!

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For, Believers are those who, when Allah is mentioned, feel a tremor in their hearts, and when they hear His signs rehearsed, find their faith strengthened, and put (all) their trust in their Lord;

Noble Quran 8:2


"...whereas the life of the world is but matter of illusion "

Noble Quran 57:2


Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:56 am
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
Image

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2:216 كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الْقِتَالُ وَهُوَ كُرْهٌ لَّكُمْ ۖ وَعَسَىٰ أَن تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ ۖ وَعَسَىٰ أَن تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ ۗ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ


Mon Feb 06, 2012 2:08 pm
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Unread post Re: Religious Jokes
An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

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For, Believers are those who, when Allah is mentioned, feel a tremor in their hearts, and when they hear His signs rehearsed, find their faith strengthened, and put (all) their trust in their Lord;

Noble Quran 8:2


"...whereas the life of the world is but matter of illusion "

Noble Quran 57:2


Tue Feb 07, 2012 1:44 am
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